Transformers 4 – The stuff boys dreams are made of

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Transformers 4 – Age of Extinction: The story of how Optimus Prime rode a robot t-Rex while also wielding Excalibur. Also the T-Rex breathes fire.

I went to watch this movie at the cinema with my girlfriend, and my girlfriend’s sister, and my girlfriend’s sister’s boyfriend, and my girlfriend’s sister’s boyfriend’s friend, who’s name I forget, but it might have been Tom.

I suppose I should also mention that this review will include spoilers, but this movie has no plot anyway so don’t go anywhere. I don’t even know where to start with this movie, it has little plot, and about a hundred new characters introduced, while all the characters from the first three movies have disappeared except for Optimus and everyone’s favorite broken record Bumblebee.One of the opening scenes of the movie introduces us to a new Bay girl, a sexy blonde bombshell strutting her stuff for the camera and spouting some witty one liners, but then she promptly disappears from the movie only to haphazardly reappear at random moments of the action for no particular reason. Its a damn shame too, because I never caught her name, which brings me to my next point, I had no idea who is doing what, or what is going on, or even why things are happening in half the movie. There are a whole new set of robots, and new human characters, and in a movie which already demands I suspend all disbelief and disengage my brain to enjoy it, it is very hard to get a sense of who is who. I find it easier to just give things nicknames to keep up, so:

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Discount Chinese Trinity

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Steve Jobs makes transformers

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Megatron: the bootleg knock off version (made in China)

And so on and so forth, because seriously there were too many characters ambling in and out of the story, and many of which no one really cares about. The film fools us into trusting it for all of the opening ten minutes with set up scenes showing us Mark Wahlberg’s crib and establishing that he is struggling for money and something about college, and his daughters short shorts or teenage pregnancy, I’m not sure because by this point the movie like some overeager teenager just can’t keep it in its pants anymore and just explodes into action.

You have Optimus Prime transforming! And shells and a car chase! and Stunts! And omygodhugespaceshipSOcoool! At some point some new villain is introduced, because after seeing Megatron getting his ass kicked by Optimus for the past three movies he lost all of his credibility as a serious baddie. Anyway this new baddie who’s name I never quite caught seemed a lot more interesting because he was new and seemed to be so evil he even superseded the Decepticons, but we never get anything more than a few hints as to what his deal is because there are more car chases and cliche dialogue with more new characters to get through. Also I think there was some heavy handed satire about the American Government and black ops or morality or something, and oh look its that blonde chick from the start of the movie again! Oh no wait she’s gone again.

Also there’s something about humans playing God with genomes and reusing and recycling dead transformers, and I’m not sure but was that meant to be a dig at Steve Jobs and Apple? Who knows. Suffices to say, the same thing that happens in every movie in which humans try to play god happens again, and it all goes pear shaped. The cheap Transformers knock off’s made in China all rise up and try to take over the world, but happily they are squashed by the superior cigar stomping, beard swinging, transforming, and cup-holding American Chevrolet © cars (Just like in real life kids).

And finally Optimus rides a freaking space Tyrannosaurus! WHICH BREATHES FIRE! And he’s holding Excalibur! And they’re snacking on Decepticons! Literally chewing on them! omfg! And its earth shaking, building toppling, explosive pandemonium in Hong Kong! Chinese extras are flying everywhere! Also finally that new super baddie guy shows up again, but at this point who cares, we’ve already peaked with the metal munching, flame grilling, transforming iron T-Rex WHO BREATHES FIRE!!!

Ultimately this movie may have got some bad reviews out there, but I tell you, if there’s one reason to watch it, its to be able to cross off seeing a rampaging metal dinosaur tear through downtown Hong Kong from your bucketlist, or things to do before you die. And if that isn’t on your bucketlist then I strongly suggest you review your priorities in life!

As always, thanks for reading, my first post yesterday got 5 views! Baby steps and all that! Very pleased so far. Until next time.

 

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